Helpful Hint #1
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.