DRINKERS FAULT FINDING GUIDE
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| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet. | Mouth not open while drinking
or Glass being applied to wrong part of face. |
Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. | Glass empty. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling. |
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Feet warm and wet. |
Loss of self control. |
Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation. |
| Bar blurred. | You are looking through the bottom of your glass. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Bar swaying. | Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. | Insert a broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Bar moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. |
| You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles, and has a fluorescent light strip across it. | You have fallen over backwards. | If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. |
| Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and teeth. | You have fallen over forwards. | As for falling over backwards. |
| You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. | You have spent the night in the gutter. | Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in. |
| Everything has gone dark. | The pub is closing. | Panic!! |